February 16 & 17

Day 116 & 117
You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.
So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?

We were small children. Why would you? How could you? Did you ever wonder what we'd think of you when we found out when we were older? Did you care that you hurt our mom? Did you think about all the permanent damage this would cause? I guess not. Or maybe you did and you're just that hateful. It wasn't just one mistake, it never stopped. Ever since we were newborns, you've done it. What did we do to you? We were innocent, tiny infants. Were we not good enough? Was our mom not good enough? I guess not.

Here I am today at seventeen years old and you've hurt me so much that I can't even bare to look at you. It makes me sick to my stomach to know all the things you've done. Not to just me; but what you've done to my mom and my sister. My baby sister. She was always daddy's little girl. She thought a lot of you. She was too young to know the truth about you. How could we tell her what you did and break her heart like that? Now she's older now and she knows everything. Why do you think she's like that? Smoking weed and dealing it at school, getting in fights, saying 'fuck you' or 'I hate you' everyday to her parents, bullying other children, and on her way to DJJ. I know why she's like that. You weren't there for her when she needed you. When she was eight years old she saw you, her daddy walk out and leave us for another woman.

You didn't just leave my mom, you left us behind. We watched you pack and walk out. We watched you and my mom wrestle over the car tracker, knocking things over. We watched our mom cry uncontrollably begging you to stop. I still remember it to this day. You wonder why I hate you. You wonder why everybody that knows what went on between our family has no respect for you at all. You wonder why we've had to leave every church we've ever been to because they find out about what you do. Why do you always come back? I've always wondered that. I wish you'd leave. It would make things ten times easier.

Remember that time when you left we didn't have any money because you took it all out of the accounts, the safe and anywhere else it may have been? We had to borrow food and drinks from Michael Hendrix, who lived down the road at that time. Imagine having to ask someone else for your dinner for the night because you had no money to buy it. You knew we lived there too, your children. You knew we had to eat dinner. Knowing all these things, you didn't care.

I could sit and rant all day about all the shit you've put us through. I could write a book telling of all the mental, verbal and physical abuse you've done to us. You'll never change. Every time you come back, you buy us new things to win us back over and to try and make up for what you did. And every time you come back, you leave again. Sometimes it took a few months, and sometimes it took a few years; but you always leave again. I'm just waiting for that day to come. I'm just waiting for my mom to get the balls to say no when you ask to come back home.

People can only take so much. It might be sad to say but all you are to me is a heartless bastard. The devil has a big hot coal ready for you to sit your ass on when you leave this earth. Of all the people who hate you in this world, I, your daughter hate you more than any of them do.